Blue Tuesday 15/10

The morning started off rather difficult. Between the sleepless nights, the hand-washed laundry that got a little damaged and didn’t seem clean, and the pouring rain outside, I had to pack my things in garbage bags. I also had to urgently modify my reservation for the next accommodation, as it was initially booked for November. Some days are just like that...

But you have to keep moving forward.

That morning was particularly exhausting. After the city and its suburbs, the beautiful mystical forests, and the sun, the gloom hit both the sky and my mood. I found myself crossing a void: vast, arid, and dull plains, with the rain pounding on my poncho.

And then came the thoughts I didn’t want to have, the ones I tried so hard to repress by seeing people, by staying busy, filling in the gaps. But here, I was surrounded by solitude and emptiness. No way out. Slowly but surely, these thoughts slipped in as suggestions and gradually turned into a storm raging in my head. The rain was beating on my hood so hard that I couldn’t hear my thoughts anymore, and I ended up talking to myself.

All those beautiful things I had lost, those people who mattered to me and eventually faded away... Those moral dilemmas and questions I never faced, out of fear of the consequences. All these things I can’t let go of because they mean so much to me.

I entered that gloomy forest under the rain. The density of the trees dimmed the already low light even further. I found myself at a crossroads, with four options.

Turn back, ignore the problem, and continue as if nothing was wrong.

Leave the forest, avoid facing the darkness, and focus only on the good, ignoring the rest.

Get deeper into the forest, lost in the darkness, sink into despair, and let my burdens crush me.

Or keep walking, face the challenge, and come out of this situation .

Of course, I chose the last option, and I was rewarded with a magical sun as I exited the forest. Even found a festure of kidness from strangers.

I regained a bit of hope. I found positivity in the negative. I cherish the things that matter for what they have brought me. The rest doesn’t matter anymore. In the end, the theme of grief introduced at the beginning seems well chosen.

After that, the journey went fairly smoothly, except for the physical exhaustion that became really overwhelming towards the end.

Here I am, in my room, alone. It’s been two days now that I’ve been very much alone. I guess that’s what I was looking for with this trip, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard. Somehow i feel like i've been racing against that darkness in the woods for quiet a while now. Maybe that should be the time to stop running.